Thursday, June 9

Stages

I'm not sure what the official name for the stage of grief that I find myself in is called. But I'm ready for Dan to come back.

I mean, I did the funeral and the packing up of the stuff and the crying after the funeral.

And I did the "I can't believe he's gone" and the "I wish I'd been kinder, nicer, better" round of discussions with friends and family.

And the stage where I kinda forgot he was gone and in the back of my mind while focusing on other work, I'd construct these conversations with him, like you do with a live person that you're fighting with. I'd do my side of the conversation and then imagine his response, how he'd stay sober if I had him move back in, and I'd feel better thinking I'd figured it out and then that stream of thoughts would move to the upper most part of my thinking and, boom, it would hit me. Doesn't matter what persuasive position I pose to him in my mind, the man is gone.

But now I've decided I'm finished with grieving. Dan can come back now.

5 comments:

Sherry Smyth said...

My sweet friend...you are so far from being done with grieving...but this stage where you believe that you are? That's denial. Denial isn't just pretending that something didn't happen, it also deals with our feelings and our responses to them.

Denial is okay -- it's not a bad stage of grief...I look at it as a plateau of sorts...needed to help recover and to absorb and to just be numb for a bit.

Grieving takes its own shape in its own time. This is still "new" and "fresh" and when grief happens in our lives it comes and goes and reshapes itself continually. So you may have "decided" that you are done with grieving but if you really aren't, you'll be reminded.

And that's okay too...it's all okay. It's simply just one day, one step at a time. ♥

Sending you love, with arms wrapped around you.

Lynilu said...

Oh, Mary Ann .... you'll float around in the stages of grief for a while. Every time you think you're done, another thing will pop up like a jack-in-the-box. It's just a process, dear girl.

It might be helpful to find a grief counselor or a support group. Most of us need it. I was fortunate to have family around me who were understanding and helped by just being there, but not all are so blessed. It's OK to have these thoughts and feelings, and it's OK to lean on others.

I wish we didn't have to go through this process, but there is no escape. Some days I just closed my eyes (so to speak) and kept putting one foot after another. This quote helped me a lot: "There is no way out -- only a way forward." ~Michael Hollings

Sending hugs.

Mary Ann said...

Sherry: You explained something that I'd been struggling with. How, with his ashes in an urn, can I be "in denial." But you're right that it's denial of feelings rather than the basic fact. I think that I'll accept that it's ok to feel a little crazy these days and just float with it.

Love you back. :)

Mary Ann said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mary Ann said...

Lynilu: I'm actually seeing a counselor and she warned me of the jack-in-a-box process that you described. I was thinking that since I'd already gotten over him when he moved out, then I would not go through this. Problem was in the assumption that I'd gotten over him. Instead, I had tried to ignore the fact that I still loved him in order to be tough.

You and Sherry have helped me realize that I'm dealing with the delayed denial of grief when I had him move out...on top of the fresher one.

Thanks to both of you. I may not tattoo your names on my arm (see Sherry's recent posting for a giggle), but I love you both.

Hugs.

___
Re-entering my comment after noticing I'd said "when I had him move back" instead of "when I had him move out". Freudian slip. :)